{"id":2501,"date":"2022-03-03T00:40:22","date_gmt":"2022-03-03T00:40:22","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/illuminategrowth.com.au\/?p=2501"},"modified":"2025-05-06T06:43:15","modified_gmt":"2025-05-06T06:43:15","slug":"victimrescuer","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/illuminategrowth.com.au\/staging\/victimrescuer\/","title":{"rendered":"Are You a Victim or an Enabler in Your Relationships?"},"content":{"rendered":"

Have you ever seen Wind in the Willows?<\/p>\n

It’s a story about a group of animal-friends: Toad, Ratty, Mole and Badger who live in an English wood.<\/p>\n

Toad is wealthy and spoiled and lives in a grand mansion called Toad Hall.<\/p>\n

His friends are more down-to-earth and spend a lot of their time and resources saving<\/em> Toad… from himself.<\/p>\n

Toad’s latest whim is to buy an expensive car (which he absent mindedly crashes) and ends up being taken prisoner, in his own mansion, by a band of nasty Weasels.<\/p>\n

So…<\/p>\n

Do Ratty, Mole and Badger put their own lives at risk once again to rescue Toad?<\/p>\n

Or do they take a step back, realise they’re actually part of the problem<\/strong> and leave Toad to find a solution for himself?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Do You Like to Rescue People In Your Relationships?<\/span><\/h3>\n

A lot of women in Ratty and Mole’s situation would instinctively want to rescue Toad (again).\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

“It’s not his fault he’s naive…”<\/em><\/p>\n

“It’s not his fault the Weasels are baddies…”<\/em><\/p>\n

“It’s not his fault he gets himself into these scrapes…”<\/em><\/p>\n

However…<\/p>\n

A coach (like me) would not<\/strong><\/em> rescue Toad.<\/p>\n

A coach (like me) would help him see instead how he is contributing to his own problems<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

A coach (like me) would give him the tools to make better decisions<\/strong> for himself next time…<\/p>\n

So that his actions didn’t continuously drain the energy, resources and trust of his friends<\/em>.<\/p>\n

<\/h3>\n

Victims and Rescuers<\/h3>\n

At work and at play…<\/p>\n

There are always…<\/p>\n

Self-inflicted Victims<\/em> (Toad)…<\/p>\n

And Rescuers<\/em> (Ratty, Mole and Badger).<\/p>\n

The Victims are irresponsible and selfish (whether they know it or not).<\/p>\n

The Rescuers have good intentions – and they feel that by taking action, they’re helping<\/em> the Victims…<\/p>\n

When in fact…<\/p>\n

Their constant intervention just encourages the bad behaviour in the Victims and stops the Victims from ever learning from their experiences and taking responsibility for themselves.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

How to Change Victim-Rescuer Behavioural Patterns<\/h3>\n

People stay firmly stuck in Victim-Rescue patterns all day long… sometimes for years… sometimes for a lifetime.<\/p>\n

So I wanted to ask you…<\/p>\n

Which relationships are draining you<\/em> right now?<\/p>\n

Which people in your life constantly ask for your help without ever changing the very behaviour that keeps you both firmly stuck in that pattern?<\/p>\n

Or perhaps, are you<\/em> playing the role of the Victim right now and draining someone else?<\/p>\n

Let me share a secret…<\/p>\n

Whichever role you’re identifying with right now…<\/p>\n

It is 100% in your power…<\/p>\n

Right now…<\/em><\/p>\n

To change that behaviour.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

<\/h3>\n

Are You Playing ‘Victim’?<\/h3>\n

If you see yourself playing the Victim role with someone…<\/p>\n

Choose right now to take personal responsibility…<\/p>\n

Reflect on how your behaviour is damaging your relationship with them…<\/p>\n

And how it is massively damaging you too.<\/p>\n

Because playing Victim doesn’t really feel good – it eventually eats at your self-esteem which is never a positive place to be.<\/p>\n

What new action could you take right now to do things differently?<\/p>\n

Taking personal responsibility will change the pattern in a good way for you.<\/p>\n

<\/h3>\n

Are You Playing ‘Rescuer’?<\/h3>\n

And…<\/p>\n

If you see yourself as a Rescuer type…<\/p>\n

Choose right now to stop enabling that behaviour, however hard that might feel… and be.<\/p>\n

Give them the opportunity to solve their challenge for themselves…<\/p>\n

And see how the pattern changes.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Rebecca Allen is a Career Success Coach for corporate women. Sometimes in our coaching conversations, we talk about personal issues like these. You might have a difficult relationship at work. Or a difficult relationship to manage in your personal life. Either way, take charge and adjust your behaviours. \ud83d\ude42 And if you want help to do this, book in a free 15-minute call with Rebecca<\/a> – and break this pattern.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Have you ever seen Wind in the Willows? It’s a story about a group of animal-friends: Toad, Ratty, Mole and Badger who live in an English wood. Toad is wealthy and spoiled and lives in a grand mansion called Toad Hall. His friends are more down-to-earth and spend a lot of their time and resources…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":5432,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[69,64,127,101],"tags":[59,135],"post_series":[],"class_list":["post-2501","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-difficult-people","category-managing-others","category-managing-work-relationships","category-self-worth","tag-confidence","tag-managing-difficult-people","entry","has-media"],"yoast_head":"\nAre You a Victim or an Enabler in Your Relationships? - Rebecca Allen Career Coach for Women<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"You may have a relationship that is a touch toxic. 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