How to Build Healthy Boundaries

I have a friend (let’s call her Joanne) who’s had issues with her mother-in-law for years.

For some reason, Joanne’s MIL has been a nightmare ever since Joanne married her son…

The MIL is obstructive, rude and turns up uninvited (Joanne’s MIL has a key to their home and she lets herself in…)

The lack of respect and privacy makes Joanne miserable.

She feels undervalued, angry and extremely frustrated by the situation she is in.

And worse still? Joanne’s husband doesn’t seem to see the problem.

So…

Why am I telling you this?

Seems a bit of a downer right?!  🙂

The important bit is this…

Right from the get-go, Joanne has allowed her own boundaries to be crossed and…

(As having strong boundaries is paramount to building healthy self-esteem)…

Learning how to communicate and protect your boundaries is awfully, awfully important.

What Does It Mean to ‘Cross a Boundary’?

Say, for example… your boss is driving you nuts by micro-managing you…

That’s a crossed boundary.

Say someone at work consistently talks to you with a condescending tone and it makes you feel humiliated…

That’s a crossed boundary.

Say there’s a person who comes too far into your physical space without invitation or harshly interrupts you when you’re sharing your genius…

These are crossed boundaries.

How to Break Bad Behaviour

Boundaries are like values…

If you’re feeling angry, frustrated, upset – it’s a sure sign that a boundary (and a value) of yours has been crossed…

And the truth is, you might think it’s their fault…

But…

YOU are the only one on this entire planet who can change that pattern.

Let’s get back to Joanne.

​​Over a coffee I helped her identify her own compromised values:

Respect and privacy…

And, with this knowledge, she was able to define some boundaries (and the behaviours needed) to protect those values.

How to Establish Healthy Boundaries

If you want a simple tip to think about how to set up a boundary…

Just write 1-2 of your values at the top of a page…

And expand on these 2 sentences below:

1. With [value X] in mind, this kind of behaviour from them (your MIL or other person driving you nuts) is NOT ok:………………….

Really go for it!

Get everything off your chest! Tell your mother-in-law how it is! 🙂

And you might be surprised to read sentence 2:

2. With [value X] in mind, this kind of behaviour from me is NOT ok:………………….

Yup!

You read that correctly!

The word ‘me’ is in there…

Because, right now, you are equally contributing to the crossed-boundary pattern you find yourself in.

Which means…

You are actually the catalyst to creating a new pattern…

You are the one with the power to control the situation…

You are the one with the decision making ability…

It’s just a question of deciding you are worth a better deal…

Which of course you are…

And outlining how it’s going to be from here on.

Rebecca x

Rebecca Allen is a Career Success Coach for corporate women who are ready to step it up, build credibility and visibility and chase down only the best career opportunities. When Rebecca isn’t coaching, speaking or recording her podcast, you’ll find her at home playing cricket with her children.