How to Find Your Authentic Self

Lots of people Google ‘what’s the definition of authenticity’ but what does it really mean to be authentic or to be your authentic self?

To understand that let’s first explore what it means to be inauthentic.

To protect yourself from pain you will put up barriers and ‘wear’ masks, creating a false concept of who you are.

Many clients share this idea during sessions, that they feel inauthentic at work because they can’t ever really be themselves.

Corporate cultures, expectations and self-preservation all play a part in this phenomenon.

 

 

Inauthenticity however is tiring because it’s hard maintaining a façade that in your heart, you know is not a true reflection of you, your thoughts or opinions.

It is also hard to thrive when you are behaving inauthentically because you aren’t giving yourself permission to unleash your natural style or to present what you are truly capable of.

‘Authenticity’ then, is about being deeply honest with yourself. Being sincere about who you are and what you most need to thrive.

So let’s look at 3 questions to start to unravel your authentic self:

Question 1. Who do you want to BE?

How do you currently perceive yourself? Does it feel good? Do you want to be this person or do you want to be someone a little bit – or a lot – different?

Your self-concept (how you see yourself) has been shaped by various influences in your life: your parents, your siblings, teachers, peers. Big changes or events in your life will also have shaped you. As a result, you have formed values and beliefs about the world and how you see yourself in it.

Take your working life. Do you feel authentic there? How could you BE different? What about at home? Are you yourself? Are you feeling authentic and real? Are you true to yourself and feeling content? Or do certain behaviours feel inauthentic to you?

 

 

Question 2: What do you most NEED?

You might be surprised to learn that there are some deep-seated emotions that prevent you from being your authentic self. Those emotions are guilt, shame and self-judgment. These feelings actually prevent you from having what you most need to be authentic and thrive.

Say you most need to have ‘attention’ from others and yet, due to shame and guilt (and a fear of being judged) you don’t actually seek it out. So for example, you don’t ask your partner to give you more of their time or ask for them to make you feel special even though you are craving it. By preventing yourself what you most need, you’ll feel sad, frustrated and poorly expressed.

 

 

Or say what you most need is a sense of ‘belonging’. You don’t live near your origin family and miss them dreadfully and yet guilt keeps you from visiting them. Again by preventing yourself what you most need, you’ll feel unhappy.

What you most need boils down to understanding your ‘highest priority values’. They are deep down in your subconscious brain and you’ll rarely voice them. So often, due to shame, guilt and judgment, people repress what they most need.

When these needs are met you will feel much more yourself. You’ll feel authentic, happy, alive. When they are not met, you might feel frustrated, angry, low or even lacking love.

So, what do you most need to feel alive? To thrive? Suspend those feelings of shame, guilt and judgment and just be wholly honest with yourself. What do you most need? Once you uncover these deep values, you’ll uncover gold.

 

Question 3: What are your RULES?

The third step of our authenticity sequence centres around you forming some rules, or boundaries.

So let’s recap the two earlier questions we have already explored in the sequence and add in this third one. To be more authentic, ask:

1. Who do I want to BE?
2. What do I most NEED?
3. What rules do I need in place to help me obtain 1 and 2?

Rules (or boundaries if you prefer) are about defining what is and is not permissible. What is and what is not allowed. Rules help you to uphold what you value and stop it from being compromised. Rules come in two forms:

• What are the rules you need for yourself?
• What are the rules you need to communicate to other people?

To be authentic and to BE who you want to be, what rules do you need to have for yourself, to uphold your needs and values?

Perhaps you need a ‘self-criticism’ rule. For example your rule might be: “When I belittle myself, I will tap myself on the back and tell myself why I am worthy.”

Think about what rules you need for others – to ensure they don’t overstep your boundaries. For example your rule might be: “When Person X asks me to do their work for them so they take the credit, I’ll say ‘No thanks’.”

 

 

So let’s recap the 3 questions to ask yourself to find a more authentic sense of you:

1. Who do I want to BE?
2. What do I most NEED?
3. What rules do I need in place to help me obtain 1 and 2?

You might ask whether being more authentic might come at a cost. Is it a risk to put yourself out there so boldly? Well any change you make comes with some degree of risk. But surely the risk of being inauthentic for any longer- and merely coping not thriving – is far more costly to you long term?

Rebecca x

Ready to get some new focus and drive in your career? Book a free 15-minute Strategy Call with Rebecca – it’s a discovery session where you’ll share what you next want to achieve in your career and the challenges you’re currently facing. Get some clarity right away… secure your spot!

 

© Rebecca Allen 2021, Illuminate Personal Growth. All rights reserved

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