How Your Need to ‘People’ Please is Harming You & 3 Ways to Combat It

There is a really powerful way in which people can be differentiated.

Think of it like a sliding scale…

At one end, you have people who are hugely ‘Others’ orientated…

And at the other end of the spectrum, are those who favour ‘Self’ orientation.

‘Others’ people will do whatever they can to help other people…

They are concerned about their impact on others and how others might perceive them.

They will seek out approval from other people…

And might take on other people’s emotional baggage and even put other people’s needs ahead of their own.

 

 

At the far other end of the spectrum…

Extreme ‘Self’ people (you guessed it) are literally in it for themselves…

They are driven by their own achievement, regardless of the impact it may or may not have on others.

They will do whatever it takes to be successful and care little for what others might think of them.

And they are less likely to seek out external input to validate their ideas.

 

How Others-People Like to People Please

Whilst extreme Self-orientated people couldn’t care less about pleasing others (that’s a post for another time)…

Extreme Others-orientated people are engrossed in the need to people-please…

If this is resonating with you, as an Others-orientated person…

You’ll seek out validation from other people…

You’ll hate to upset the boat, so might also agree a lot with what other people say (even if you don’t actually agree).

In your bid to support other people…

You might have weak boundaries, saying ‘yes’… when you really mean ‘no’ to taking on additional work, working overtime etc

It might also be that you say ‘yes’ to avoid any possibility of conflict… because arguing with others goes against what you value.

 

What Causes The Need to Please?

At the heart of Others-orientated people is a deep desire to feel, and to be…

Accepted by others.

That need for safety and belonging is so strong…

It can drive you to behave in ways that go against other important values, essentially putting you in dilemma.

Say for example you value collaboration…

So you have studied your subject matter intensely and know your stuff…

And now you want to share and discuss those ideas (collaboration) with other people.

If, during that discussion…

There is disagreement with your ideas…

Or your ideas are shut down (the opposite of collaboration)…

Then you might favour the need for safety and belonging above your other value of collaboration…

Your dilemma becomes that you want to collaborate but you also want to feel accepted…

And when put in this situation, that need for acceptance will win out every time...

Which means your desire to collaborate always loses.

Fear of rejection is at the heart of people-pleasing behaviour…

And that fear might be strong enough for you to allow your other values to be compromised by someone else time and time again.

 

So Here Are 3 Ways to Combat The Need to Please

Let’s talk about some simple steps you can take so that you don’t need to compromise yourself… and you can still get plenty of what you need: acceptance.

Sound good?

Let’s dive in.

Step #1:

Acknowledge your own values.

Acknowledge your own needs.

That need to feel safe and accepted is 100% human – there is nothing wrong with it. 🙂

However…

If that need for acceptance is consistently superseding other important needs and values, to your own detriment…

It might be time to challenge your belief that disagreeing with someone, or having your own perspective, will result in them rejecting you.

You can be accepted and collaborate for example.

The two should not be in conflict… you can have both!

Have you ever thought that sharing your view, or pushing back when others disagree, might actually give you even MORE acceptance?

 

 

Step #2.

If you are Others-orientated…

You might believe that when you achieve /are successful it must mean that other people will therefore ‘lose out’ or be negatively impacted somehow…

Which goes against the grain for you, right?

Again, this is a belief… ask yourself what evidence you have to support this belief:

‘How likely is it others will lose or miss out if I share my opinion?‘

When you act, mindful of your impact on others, not only is that showing keen EQ skills…

It also gives you even MORE acceptance from others. 🙂

 

Step #3:

Having, communicating and sticking to boundaries is really important for Others-orientated people.

When you define what behaviour is – and is not – okay, you and other people know where they stand with you…

And interestingly enough, that gives you MORE acceptance!

 

 

Hey I’m Rebecca Allen. I’m a Career Success Coach for professional women. And if you are struggling right now, feeling as though you’re lacking influence or feeling invisible at work, I am here for you.

You might like to schedule a free 15-minute Career Strategy Call with me. They are an awesome first step to talk through your challenges and get some new action right away…

There are a few available right now… get your spot before this offer comes down.