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Why Self-Kindness is the New Motivator

Author: Rebecca Allen

Being in business can be tough. You have to have guts, a thick skin, boundless enthusiasm and maintain high levels of energy to drive your products or services towards future success. There can be unexpected setbacks, periods of isolation and a plethora of daily ‘unknowns’ to wade through and overcome.

One thing I’ve learned, having been in business for a decade, is that whatever is going on in your business it’s essential that you remain unyieldingly kind to yourself.

I remember having this conversation with a client a while ago. She was telling me that she needed to be highly self-critical of her performance to ensure she achieved results.

“Could you get the results without being so scathing of your performance?” I asked.

“I don’t think so,” she replied. “It’s just the way I’ve always motivated myself.”

“So, what’s the cost of that?” I asked. After a long pause she answered,

“Well, I’m exhausted. I don’t sleep well’ I’m always thinking of everything I need to do tomorrow. I criticise myself constantly and even when I do really well, I immediately berate myself over what I could have done better. To be honest, I don’t like being this way. I’ve started to become critical of my kids too – which I absolutely hate.”

There has to be a better way to get results, and there is! This conversation with my client brought a smile to my face because I recognised my old-self in her perception of ‘how things needed to be’. Sustained self-criticism is no way to motivate: it is soul-destroying and draining. Far better is to become habitually self-kind, encourage self-reflection, welcome learning and all within a framework of setting fair expectations.

I used to be a rigid high-performer, mildly obsessed with perfection and hell bent on flogging myself to achieve the highest of outcomes. My turning point occurred when I became a mum. Suddenly, my first baby (my business) had to take a second row seat! I realised I was now doing two full-time jobs simultaneously and that something had to change, or I would sink. I decided two things had to change immediately: firstly, my expectations of what was possible and secondly, how I defined what success within any 24 hour-period meant to me.

By staying true to those two benchmarks over the years, life and business have both become easier. I celebrate more, find genuine joy from every learning and prioritising my focus has naturally reduced overwhelm. In fact habitual self-kindness motivates me daily to be the person I want to be.

Here are some tips to help you bring greater self-kindness into your every day dealings with yourself:

1. Listen out for how you speak to yourself. Is it with scathing criticism or with the deepest respect and encouragement? There are enough critics out there; you don’t need another one occupying your head!

2. Have a mantra that stops overwhelm. I use this one (it’s a gem!): “Every day is progress”. I acknowledge that whatever happens, whether I have a good or a ‘worse’ day, I have always made progress!

3. When you have a win, make the time to celebrate it properly. So many women complete a task and immediately begin to focus on the next one. Enjoy and relish your successes.

4. Instead of focusing on your end goal (which could be due for completion 2 years from now!), start to define each tiny win you have along the way as a major success. This way, you stay motivated throughout that longer project because you’re regularly feeling like the true success that you are!

Rebecca Allen, COI of Illuminate Personal Growth, works with professional women to help them take their careers to the next level. If you are feeling underwhelmed by your lack of career progress, looking for support and encouragement and keen to learn new skills to improve your confidence prospects, then you’re in the right place. We provide online career courses for women, live workshops and leadership trainings in Sydney as well as 1-1 executive coaching. Get in touch!

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