There’s No Need to Say “I’m a Terrible Mum” Ever Again!

Many working mums struggle daily with a basic ‘values conflict’ that leaves them feeling confused, unsure and laden with guilt. Value 1 might be ‘children’ and Value 2 might be ‘career’. When you have an internal conflict of values, it means you want both values to be met and as equally as possible. Both values are important to you and you want the outcome of both to be brilliant. But no matter how hard you try one always seems to get the priority seat, usually at the expense of the other.

This values conflict could go different ways of course depending on your own personal values and how you prioritise them. Here are three common ones I have coached different clients on:

1. Work could be taking priority and you feel like the family is coming off second best.
2. Or it could be that the balance is occurring the other way and your busy life as a mum is making it hard to deliver the professional value you want to. This is probably less about ‘guilt’ and more about ‘frustration’ but it is still a values conflict.
3. Or it could be that you thoroughly enjoy working and don’t have an actual values conflict at all, but you think that ‘society’ – or your partner or whomever – expects you to feel guilty for pursuing your career. In this instance it could be you feel guilty because… you don’t feel guilty about choosing career first.

I’ve seen all three of these scenarios occurring for different clients and the important thing to note is this: whatever your values (and their priority order), is what it is. As you’ll find out later, those feelings of shame and guilt have no place anywhere if you want to progress and continue living and working at your fullest expression. If those familiar feelings popped up for you at all whilst you were listening to those three values conflicts, it means shame or guilt are lurking there for you. I will be sharing later how to rid yourself of those unhelpful, unprogressive feelings!

This insight is one I hear a lot from different working mums:
“I don’t seem to do anything well. I try my best to race home to see the children before bedtime and then by some miracle, when I do manage it, I’ll do or say something wrong. Then it’s all tears at home and I’ve failed yet again.” – Sally, 38, mum working in Insurance.

Demanding work schedules can see you sent overseas; stuck on evening phone calls; working long hours or weekends or… all of the above! Given that the price of living, childcare and school fees have all skyrocketed it is inevitable that many more couples are both choosing to work to maintain their chosen lifestyle. And it’s not just for financial reasons of course: many women want to have fulfilling careers too.

However, the erroneous assumption that many working mums often make goes something like this:

‘Working hard’ = Being a ‘bad’ mum
It’s almost like doing a sum where 3 + 3 = 16 and repeatedly telling yourself that the sum is right. The assumption is what causes the damage, the self-blame and the belief that others might be judging you too.

EXERCISE
Your ‘work’ and your ‘children’ are two values in conflict. One will always be the priority. The key is getting to a point where you don’t feel guilty or shame about whichever order they are in.

1. Be honest about the priority – which one is first for you?
2. How do you feel about this priority? Remember, if you’re feeling uncomfortable with your order, it is only ‘shame’ or ‘guilt’ telling you it’s not ok. Doing some work to reconcile what you want to achieve with these conflicted values will be your next step.

You can download a podcast to explore this topic further here. (link to Lead Magnet subscribe) or join us at our next free workshop, “Be Yourself, Build Self-Belief and Be Better at Self-Kindness”.
© Rebecca Allen 2019, Illuminate Personal Growth. All rights reserved.

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