Are You a Victim or an Enabler in Your Relationships?

Have you ever seen Wind in the Willows?

It’s a story about a group of animal-friends: Toad, Ratty, Mole and Badger who live in an English wood.

Toad is wealthy and spoiled and lives in a grand mansion called Toad Hall.

His friends are more down-to-earth and spend a lot of their time and resources saving Toad… from himself.

Toad’s latest whim is to buy an expensive car (which he absent mindedly crashes) and ends up being taken prisoner, in his own mansion, by a band of nasty Weasels.

So…

Do Ratty, Mole and Badger put their own lives at risk once again to rescue Toad?

Or do they take a step back, realise they’re actually part of the problem and leave Toad to find a solution for himself?

 

 

Do You Like to Rescue People In Your Relationships?

A lot of women in Ratty and Mole’s situation would instinctively want to rescue Toad (again). 

“It’s not his fault he’s naive…”

“It’s not his fault the Weasels are baddies…”

“It’s not his fault he gets himself into these scrapes…”

However…

A coach (like me) would not rescue Toad.

A coach (like me) would help him see instead how he is contributing to his own problems.

A coach (like me) would give him the tools to make better decisions for himself next time…

So that his actions didn’t continuously drain the energy, resources and trust of his friends.

Victims and Rescuers

At work and at play…

There are always…

Self-inflicted Victims (Toad)…

And Rescuers (Ratty, Mole and Badger).

The Victims are irresponsible and selfish (whether they know it or not).

The Rescuers have good intentions – and they feel that by taking action, they’re helping the Victims…

When in fact…

Their constant intervention just encourages the bad behaviour in the Victims and stops the Victims from ever learning from their experiences and taking responsibility for themselves.

 

 

How to Change Victim-Rescuer Behavioural Patterns

People stay firmly stuck in Victim-Rescue patterns all day long… sometimes for years… sometimes for a lifetime.

So I wanted to ask you…

Which relationships are draining you right now?

Which people in your life constantly ask for your help without ever changing the very behaviour that keeps you both firmly stuck in that pattern?

Or perhaps, are you playing the role of the Victim right now and draining someone else?

Let me share a secret…

Whichever role you’re identifying with right now…

It is 100% in your power…

Right now…

To change that behaviour.

 

Are You Playing ‘Victim’?

If you see yourself playing the Victim role with someone…

Choose right now to take personal responsibility…

Reflect on how your behaviour is damaging your relationship with them…

And how it is massively damaging you too.

Because playing Victim doesn’t really feel good – it eventually eats at your self-esteem which is never a positive place to be.

What new action could you take right now to do things differently?

Taking personal responsibility will change the pattern in a good way for you.

Are You Playing ‘Rescuer’?

And…

If you see yourself as a Rescuer type…

Choose right now to stop enabling that behaviour, however hard that might feel… and be.

Give them the opportunity to solve their challenge for themselves…

And see how the pattern changes.

 

Rebecca Allen is a Career Success Coach for corporate women. Sometimes in our coaching conversations, we talk about personal issues like these. You might have a difficult relationship at work. Or a difficult relationship to manage in your personal life. Either way, take charge and adjust your behaviours. 🙂 And if you want help to do this, book in a free 15-minute call with Rebecca – and break this pattern.