Are You a People-Pleasing Leader – Is It Effective?

So what’s wrong with being a ‘people pleaser’ when you’re a leader?

Perhaps you’ve been given some feedback that you’re ‘too much of a people pleaser’?

Perhaps your people-pleasing behaviour ‘doesn’t fit in with the culture’ you’re in?

(And perhaps, quite frankly, it does – more on that later).

People-pleasing is a psychologically agreeable behaviour…

And let’s start…

By acknowledging first all the potential benefits of being agreeable …

• Such as being, and being regarded as being, an active listener
• Agreeable personalities and leaders would likely score high on ’empathy’
• You’ll be someone who tries hard to see things from other people’s perspectives as much as possible
• And in communal societies and cultures, where the group is seen as being more important than the individual, being an agreeable leader can have massive benefits and help build rapport much faster

All positive benefits to being agreeable and a people-pleaser!

 

 

Listen to this episode on our podcast right here >>

 

How Do You Know If You’re a People Pleaser?

If you’re a people-pleaser you may say things like:

“Yes, I will do that for you.”

“Yes, I’ll drop everything I am doing, to help you instead.”

“Yes, sure I’ll take on more work and deliver by Friday.” (even when you’re already overloaded).

People-pleasers might also have thought processes like this:

“No, I do not want to have that awkward conversation with you.”

“I avoid conflict at all costs.”

“It’s my role to be The Peacekeeper.”

“I don’t ever want to be seen as The Bad Guy.”

 

What Causes a Leader to Want to People-Please?

Why are ‘people pleasers’ so compelled to avoid conflict and give everyone else what they want?

Well, psychologists will tell us that it boils down to fear:

• Fear of rejection
• Fear of not belonging to the group
• Fear of isolation

And let’s face it, some new leaders find moving into a leadership position to be instantly alienating.

Established leaders can feel that way too.

Their elevation means they are no longer just one of the team – but the boss.

And if this has been your experience, that can create an inner conflict within you:

You want both to be the boss and have authority but still want to be liked.

Your subconscious brain might be telling you these two ‘wants’ are actually incompatible or impossible to achieve simultaneously…

And…

If the need for belonging is stronger than the need to appear authoritative…

You might lean too far towards becoming too empathetic, too lenient and too easy going.

 

How Does People-Pleasing Trip Leaders Up?

If you’re a leader who wants to be liked…

You will most likely shy away from being too direct with your team or critical of other people’s ideas.

You might struggle giving critical (however constructive) feedback.

You will likely avoid conflict or confrontation at all costs.

You may even avoid outshining other people in case it lands you in that ‘dislikeable’ bucket: “What if I do well – might that alienate me further?”

This fear of rejection might also result in a leader who is constantly changing her mind, making knee jerk decisions based on what others want or whoever sways her view today.

When I have coached clients who are leaders and who are struggling with this need for acceptance…

Their behaviours might fall into any of these buckets :

• They might struggle to delegate and be taking on too much of the actual work themselves
• Their fear of letting people down can lead to even more overwork
• They may be rebelling against the isolation they are experiencing as a leader / they still want to feel part of the gang
• It could be they don’t want to be critical of the team or individuals and struggle giving feedback
• They might be bending over backwards to make individual team members happy or creating favourites in their team
• They can be changeable in their decision making and easily persuaded around to other people’s ideas

 

People-Pleasing Leadership Can Cause Confusion

If you’re a people-pleasing leader, your intention might be to come across as being there for your team, “I am your leader but I’ve got your back”…

But…

As we are always talking about, in the personal branding work we do with clients…

What if there is a mismatch between how you intend to come across… and how you’re actually perceived?

Teams with overly empathetic, overly flexible leaders may feel like they are receiving mixed messages.

They may feel confused with where they stand within the team.

Teams look to their leader for direction and certainty; this leadership credibility creates stability.

And if you’re a leader with a thriving team, who is leading with a healthy balance of heart and backbone then you’ve hit the jackpot.

But if you’re a leader who feels that your leniency towards trying to please all parties is actually undermining your credibility, is sending mixed messages or means you’re a bit of a pushover then it might be time to consider tweaking your approach.

 

 

3 Ways to Restore the Balance

If you’re looking to be more authoritative but still want to hold onto that people-pleasing tendency, here are 3 ideas to create greater balance:

 

Strategy #1: Generate greater certainty

Ultimately, as leader, you want to create a feeling of safety in your team.

Certainty, clarity of purpose and direction all fall into that ‘safety’ bucket.

• Does your team have certainty?
• Do they feel confident in their direction?
• Are you clear in your communication?
• Do they have confidence in your decision making?
• Do they understand their role within the team and how that role meets those business objectives?

These are all questions you can ask yourself and work towards creating greater certainty in your team.

 

Strategy #2: Know the difference between being ‘liked’ as a leader and being ‘respected’

Do you want to be thought of as a likeable leader or a respected one?

Likeable implies you’re nice and friendly – but is that enough?

Is that effective?

Respected leadership for me is that sweet spot…

That balance between leading with heart and backbone.

You’re good to get on with, you have your team’s back as well as being authoritative and delivering results with your team.

Decide how you want to be perceived – is likeable enough ?

 

Strategy #3: Learn to pushback and give feedback without fearing a conflict will arise

Have you ever thought that NOT challenging ideas and NOT giving feedback is actually doing your team a great disservice?

It might also be making your own job harder!

If you want to learn how to give more constructive feedback (confidently) I recorded a whole podcast episode on that… check it out right here.

Ideas and decisions are only ever strengthened when they are built on by a diverse range of people.

Challenge and feedback can only ever benefit the team, when delivered well of course. 😉

 

Where to From Here?

A lot of the work I do with the corporate women I coach is around building an executive profile that supports their ambitions.

How you are perceived is important.

How you lead is important too.

If you’re ready to talk about your career and you’re looking for that step up, that new stretching opportunity or that chance to really show what you can do, I’d love to speak with you!

But first, you might like to grab a copy of our most popular resource, The 7 Habits of Female Execs Who Get Promoted…

It’s crammed with more useful personal branding advice to help you step things up in your career!

Rebecca x